Some nights scare me more than others, you know it’s that little feeling of pain in your chest, you say it’s okay, it will be okay right? And yes, you fall on the bed look at the wall of your room and stay still. Your breathing starts getting heavier and heavier while your mind runs through memories, mistakes and failures. You hear some harsh voices in your mind screaming, you close your eyes and turn around covering your ears with your pillow like it would protect you. Sadly that’s not the case. You tighten up your closed eyes, you move your shaking hand to your face and try to calm yourself. All this pressure starts making you sweat, so much your heartbeat is going crazy and so does your mind. This can’t go on for too long right? You reach your phone and check the time, 3 am? You tight up your fist and say some timid words to yourself, like “It will be alright, it’s all in my mind. I just need to take a long breathe and sleep.” while you absolutely don’t believe any of these. But it’s all you have, you need to try something.
You know that if you close again your eyes you will face all these again maybe with even more tension, living with the fear you get up. Leave, leave from the bed and you start doing something that might make you forget and relax, some reading, some music and of course always afterwards you check the time. 4:45 am. That’s bearable you say, soon enough the sun will rise up, a new day will come, I will be free from my own curse.. From my own self. All you need to do is not let yourself think, don’t stare too long on objects just happy thoughts or anything but that. So you put your headphones on again, lay on the couch and play some music, your taste always. Every second passes you get more and more brave, you feel like you can control yourself again, not so fearful you slightly start mumbling the words of your favorite songs, some shy gestures, a bit of hands movement. It gets more comfortable there all out of blue. You enjoy the melody, the beats, the lyrics. You check the time again, a huge smile comes to your face. 8:30 am.
You get up, walking towards the window and open it completely. A big shine comes to your room, a nice smell of nature and this warm breeze that heads inside hugs your heart. You stay there for a while enjoying this great morning, knowing that you did it. You didn’t lose the battle against those beasts, you won this all by yourself. You pick up your things and head out of the house, with one thought stuck in your mind.. “Let’s make this day as bright as possible.” You deserve it, so go for it.
An artsy but also science girl, studying medicine and human psychology while jamming as a part time job at a local coffee shop.