I’ve suffered from depression throughout different points in my life. It’s manifested itself in different ways and for different reasons. Most commonly because I didn’t choose to express myself. I always looked for an outlet, someplace that felt safe and where people would listen to what I said. I was a very sensitive child interested in building real friendships with people. I was often very disappointed with the kinds of people I mostly ran into growing up. The few friends I did make either moved away or grew apart for one reason or another. I was mostly alone in life growing up. I yearned greatly for someone I could really talk to about real shit.
I don’t use that word lightly. I take words very seriously and I’ve always thought a lot about how I communicate with the individuals around me. People are very important to me and always have been. Truth is, I’ve been too careful. Too afraid of offending someone I’ve lived a life of what ifs instead of oh wells. Since I played life is strange I’ve been changing that daily.
Literally the week after I finished the game I got the limited edition of the game. I spent a weekend crafting five meticulously handmade letters for each episode of the game for a friend. I wanted him to have a similar experience that I had playing. I knew he would need some guidance probably, because he was even more reserved and cautious about life than I was. I wanted to bring him out and enter a much bigger world. I wanted to be his Chloe.
I’m still waiting for him to play the game. It’s been a busy semester for him, and we’ll see what happens when he finally makes time. It’s ironic really, I told him it wasn’t any hurry to play the game, and he just had to make time, but not to wait too long. Time is a funny thing… I think he’ll get an even bigger impact if he waits too long. Whoops, but I’m not sorry. I hope he’s prepared to experience my full frontal expression of friendship. I love him dearly as a friend… but the dude is thick sometimes. *sigh*
I think we all have those friends that just don’t ‘get it’ in life. You throw them the ball and they just hold onto it. It’s like, hey let’s play one-sided catch. Dude, it doesn’t work like that. Relationships are all about the back and forth. The interaction and the dynamics of changing our lives. I’ve been an extremely dynamic person in the past few years. I’ve gone from being somebody uninterested in anything technical and purely artistic to someone who is now extremely technical but still very much at artist at heart. I’ve found my calling in life and that is the balance of life.
I see the world not as it is, but as it could be.
I’ve always had this trait in life. I often forget that other people don’t see the world this same way and it frustrates me when I realize that I didn’t say something obvious because I thought “well duh, everybody knows that this is what we need to do next.” I can’t allow myself to get frustrated though. It doesn’t help anybody. No, I just need to be better and more active about communicating exactly what is on my mind to people.
That’s what Life is strange taught me most about living life. That is, to be absolutely fucking honest with myself and everyone around me. I’m not doing anyone any favors by keeping important information about life to myself. HONESTLY, WHY DO WE DO THIS? It doesn’t make any common sense if we really think about it practically. Yeah, it spares myself conflict personally, in the short term, but doesn’t eliminate or fix any problems. I know personally I’m going to focus on fixing problems from now on and not putting them off for tomorrow. That goes for everything. Do something today, so we’ll have less tomorrow to worry about.
Relationships don’t get built in a day and they don’t fail usually overnight. I should know because I’m in a committed relationship and have been for the past six years. It’s long distance, and it’s tough at times keeping things up and steady. I focus on the important things though, and my SO does too. We love each other dearly for the important things in life, and not the silly things that are day to day different. It’s not that the little things aren’t important, because they absolutely are. We see the bigger picture though and that’s why the day to day is easier because we have days where we grow a lot and others where we are pretty quiet. It’s a continual thing though, and we never give up, because we’re interested in each other.
Isn’t that what friendships are all about? Genuine interest in one another. I’ve always thought so. Maybe I’m a weirdo, but I have an extremely open mind about involving myself with the people around me. I want people to get to know me and I want to know about the other person. I fully welcome anyone who wants to be my friend into my life. I am eventually going to have to set a limit on this though probably… It makes me really sad to think about how as I grow I can’t get involved with all the people that are important to me in life. I only have enough time for so many people and myself. It’s very frustrating, because I have so much energy for other people. I kind of have a boundless reservoir when it comes to interacting with friends and especially helping people. I’m not sure why, but I solve problems about ten times faster if it is someone else’s issue. I’m not bragging either. I just plain have so much more motivation to work on fixing someone else’s problem if they want me involved.
Life is strange finally gave me motivation to fix my own problems with that same driven attitude. I think it was Max’s self-reflective personality that most did it for me. I talk to myself the same way she does now. Not sure why it helps so much, but it must be the attitude. That wide-eyed realization about life and how she can change things. It opens doors in my mind and turns dark corners and thoughts alight again with growth and beauty.
I feel like I did when I started college. Wide-eyed. Appreciative everyday of everything around me that I was learning. I took interest in everything that I experienced and I made an honest complete effort to learn from everything I heard in lecture and read from textbooks.
I’ve started making journal entries again with a renewed passion like never before. Without a doubt life is strange has brought my life into a clear sharp focus like a daguerreotype. I’ve also started taking pictures daily… something I’ve never done before. I used to almost never take selfies either. I can’t seem to help myself now. Well, by can’t seem to help myself I mean I’ve taken almost half a dozen this year. Which is about five more than my yearly quota for profile picture updates.