You tell me my voice grates on your ears,
But your shoulder is where I used to lean my ear
For each day, you gave me hope and happiness,
You made an impression that will last for years to come,
Even though every kind word you told me is now tainted,
And every happy song you sent me is now sad,
I will be thankful for the time you gave me.
Please tell me what it was that you saw and couldn’t overlook,
That drove you away from me into the night,
I will wonder and worry what it was forever,
And if you told me, at first I would hopelessly try to change it,
But eventually I will come to accept it maybe innate to me.
So many alluring illusions misted the reality that stung,
That your love was born out of pity and not from your heart,
Sympathy is a beautiful thing and we need more of it in this world,
But only bitterness can grow out of incessant worry for another.
I lived my life every day before I met you,
And although I made mistakes, I didn’t need you,
To pick myself up and dust myself down,
Like I did again today without your help,
And with more than the absence of your help,
The absence of your courtesy,
And the deafening silence in your responses,
But as you know, I am familiar to this feeling,
Of being a repressed memory to those so ill-fated to cross my path.
Whoever I am, one certainty is that I am less than what you desire,
The pain you said you saw in my eyes has now consumed my whole face,
And I will never feel as pretty as you said I was again,
Because when I close my eyes, I see myself looking back in shame.
I don’t know what it is to be a woman,
All I know is my mind hasn’t developed into one yet,
I have allowed time to pass me by, and my body to grow without daring to look at it,
But I also need to start feeling human again,
And not the rag doll that I was once passed around as.
Thankfully I can still function after being broken inside,
My outbursts of cries won’t stop me from reading my books,
And these memories won’t always make me feel unwelcome in my own mind.
I will make sure you never feel you have to pity me again.
And even if no one can love me any other way,
I will one day dissolve the bricks of hate within me,
And I will be able to see through the illusions,
And that skill will empower me to see the truth,
So I never have to rely on you or anyone else to give it to me again.
Even though I am determined to rebuild myself and prove your assumptions about me wrong,
I still feel you took a part of me I fear I can never get back,
But I can try to minimise the damage of that missing puzzle piece,
But I will never again allow you give me pieces that don’t fit,
Jealousy, neediness…that’s not who I am and I refuse to become that.
I don’t blame everything on you,
And the guilt you remind me you have doesn’t help me heal,
I do not feel any satisfaction from your regret or sadness.
The desperation you show to forget me really gets me deep inside,
Because for the first time, I gave myself that freedom to say maybe,
And I gave us my all, or at least I tried.