Those Demons Inside My Head

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Date: July 23rd, 2016
Categories: Depression
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Trigger Warning!
~You have been warned~

The human mind always surprised me, it works so weird and beautifully at the same time. One moment you can laugh and smile and feel the whole world is yours while other times you feel so desperate, alone and hurt. Being a kid I always wanted to grow up, to see the beauties of the world, to be able to travel on my own and meet new places, people, experiences. I thought it would be easy, but I was dead wrong. Growing up was really not easy, I saw that the world is not only a clear and kind place, I met people who tricked me, who used, who accused me for things I never imagined to do, I was beaten down by others so many times emotionally but I learnt to keep going with these and never talk about them with anyone. Why would I ever talk about these really? People would just laugh at me, doesn’t everyone go through the same and even worse problems? Why would they care? I wasn’t more special than anyone else. Sucking in all my thoughts and feelings, my mind was going crazy, I was feeling sick and lonely all the time, I reached a point where I would accuse others for not realizing how bad I was feeling, but how could they Anna? You were hiding, hiding from your own feelings, and those demons were pulling you into the void.

As days were passing I was getting more and more deep into the darkness, I lost my sleep, I lost my hobbies, two or three times a day I wouldn’t even be able to control my body as it would shake like crazy, I lost myself, or the person I recognized as me back then. I thought I’d never reach a point in my life where my only way to be relieved would be to end all of these, I hated every single part of myself and every single thing in this world, my only way of getting out was .. death. Yes, I had really constant suicidal thoughts running through my mind but something deep inside me hold me and told me to never give up. Since everything was failing and I was just feeling numb and blank all the time, I gave it a shot and talked about all these with a really close person of mine. As I started talking I remember the words were so hard to come out, I was feeling so powerless, I immediately started crying but for the first time in my life I wasn’t crying alone, there was someone next to me who cared about me and who was listening every single word that came out of my mouth. For the first time I didn’t feel that I was fighting alone, I didn’t feel that nobody cares, no this time I felt a warm breeze, I can’t really describe this day, we talked and talked for about 12 hours and after all that we shared a pretty tight hug which kept us sleeping the whole night. After this day I made a promise to myself, to never ever gave up on this fight, the fight to feel better and make everyone else around me even a bit happier no matter what it takes. I started externalizing my thoughts with people who I trusted and I am not saying I wasn’t betrayed again but it didn’t matter I started building back my own confidence, I got back to music, I started writing about how I felt and every time I saw someone who was feeling down I was doing everything that it would take to help them spare some words, I have been there, I knew how hard it is but only if you speak up for yourself you can achieve to feel better.

Quite a few years later, I keep getting better and better, I took all these depressive memories and miserable moments I had and gained inspiration, inspiration to help the ones around me, nobody deserves this and if you ever feel like you do, trust me you absolutely don’t, you are beautiful, you matter and yes this is a cliche saying but fuck it, it will get better, just please don’t give up ever, yes I am talking to you who are reading this right now, you deserve so many things in this world, don’t let anyone tell you the opposite. Like I said in the beginning the human mind always surprised me but I never thought I would like to study on it and see every different perspective of it, but my own experiences made me want to be a bit more helpful around the ones I love, this whole situation had a great impact on me, yes the science girl started studying psychology and human way of thinking. I started taking part on seminars about it, volunteering on clinics and contacting to any kind of professionals I could find. I saw that every person is facing his own issues and those problems lead everyone to a different place, psychologists and psychiatrists examine and personalize their treatment to the specific person, depending on a lot of matters such as the age that all started, the inheritance of specific characteristics, the way that person has grown up, people who are bonded to him and they way they treat him, the sex and so many other factors. This science, or art however anyone wants to call psychology has just opened in front of my eyes and I am going to meet its beauties for the sake of me and the sake of others who deserve so much more than they believe.

“If you fall behind, run faster. Never give up, never surrender, and rise up against the odds.” – Jesse Jackson

An artsy but also science girl, studying medicine and human psychology while jamming as a part time job at a local coffee shop.

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Music Man Sebastian
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Music Man Sebastian

Amazing post Anna! I feel so happy for you picking up psychology to help other people! I wish you all the best for your studies! Thank you so much for sharing!

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Really lovely post Anna. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and advice with us <3